More than 2.5 years ago my best friend was dying. We both knew death was inevitable. We just were not sure how long the dying would take. My friend had a challenging last couple of years. She fought cancer through rounds of chemo, found extra bursts of energy when spending time with family and friends, and never seemed to feel sorry about herself while talking with others. I, on the other hand, was angry, sad, and not ready to lose my best friend for any reason, especially for one as permanent as death.

She and I talked often and about everything through our 40 shared years. Her divorce and our friendship were misconstrued by some. Her belief was: if anyone truly knew her, they knew the truth. She moved on with her law school acceptance and graduation and me with my various administrative school positions; we celebrated it all. Our travel opportunities, hikes searching for loons, and time at my Adirondack cabin were enjoyed by us. We discovered some people never knew/understood a deep love could exist between friends. At those times, we wished we were family instead. Apparently it was more acceptable to say “I love you” to a family member than anyone outside of that circle.

We both knew we had things to talk about at as her energy and time dwindled. I think I was more heart-broken about this all than her. She seemed to be in a better place understanding the finality of life than me. It may have been her final two years that forced her to look at life through a different lens than mine. I was always wishing for the next moment we would share, and yet knew it would probably not be.

And so when I spent the last weeks of her life with her, I knew it was time to talk. I wanted to know her latest feelings about some of the things I had been wondering about and would no doubt continue to wonder beyond her death. Our discussions involved close looks at the environment, family, friends, religion and whatever else came to us as we talked. Who, what, why and where? Respect, trust, love, likes and dislikes. Life seemed so complicated and so did our end-of-life discussion. How appreciative I was of having time to talk with my best friend just before she died. 

As I move on without my friend, I must realize how fortunate I was to have such a wonderful friend in my life … and that will always bring a smile to my face, a warmth in my heart, and tears in my eyes. I tell myself: life goes on … as she said it should. Remembering her birthday this month with fond memories, such as our pursuit of loons!